The Cottonwood Conspiracy

Have you noticed the clouds of white, cotton fluff blowing through the air?  It’s not low cumulous clouds, and certainly not snow.  It’s called cottonwood, and allergy suffers like me know it well.  Every year it starts to fly around the end of May. 

Cottonwood is a type of tree pollen.  It comes from Cottonwood trees which grow throughout the US.  They are large, majestic trees which provide nice shade, but they also produce the light, cotton-like white fluff that you see in the air in late spring.

It comes every year at this time, but this year seems exceptionally bad.  It’s everywhere – in the air, on the ground, in the back of my throat and especially up my nose.  I’m trying to figure out why.

An article in the Columbus Dispatch blames the heat.  According to the article, trees accumulate pollen (including cottonwood) when it’s cold, then release it all when the weather gets hot.  On top of that, the heat allows the pollen to thrive.  At least someone is thriving in this 90-degree weather.

Maybe so, but then I start to consider who might be benefiting from this blizzard.  There are the allergy docs, but they are too small to pull off such a caper.  The ones who truly profit from these allergies are the pharmaceutical companies.  If you’re like me, you’ve tried Zyrtec, Flonase, Claritin, Allegra, Sudafed, nasal spray and even Benadryl (if I don’t have anything to do that day except sleep).

I’m not usually much for conspiracy theories, but I’m starting to believe that the pharmaceutical companies are hauling in all this cottonwood by the truckload!  Then, they blow it into the air using huge fans or hoses.  Kind of like the ones they use to spread massive amounts of mulch or soil.  Is Jones Topsoil in on this?

Another possibility is the use of crop dusters or even giant drones to fly over and spread it everywhere.  Bombs away!  Has anyone seen a Zyrtec airplane or even an Allegra Blimp?  I did see a blimp flying over the Memorial Tournament.  Hmmm…

But where are the drug companies getting all of this cottonwood?  Could the Claritin company be hauling it in from across the border?  I mean it’s literally piling up on the sidewalks.  Yesterday I had to shovel my driveway.

Maybe Zyrtec is working with the Chinese in the Wuhan lab. Could the Chinese balloon that our military shot down have been filled with cottonwood?  The plot thickens…

Now I have absolutely no proof of my theory, but like most conspiracy theorists, I’m going to spread the news anyway.  I’ll blame the far right, or the far left, or the fake news!  Evidence, schmevidence.

I thought about calling for a boycott of all allergy medicine, but then none of us will be able to breathe. Instead, I’m hoping the drug companies might send me a bunch of free medicine… and tissues for that matter.  I’m happy to provide my mailing address if needed.

Meantime, I’ll just keep popping my pills, spraying my nose spray, and spreading my story like cottonwood!  Let’s make it go viral!

'Tis the Season to be Stuffy

Spring is in full bloom.  The trees are budding, the flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, and the lawns are a lush green.  Meanwhile, the noses are stuffy or running, the eyes are watering, the people are sneezing, and the noses are a bright red.  It’s allergy season! 

You know you have seasonal allergies when you find a wadded up tissue in the pocket of every single jacket and sweatshirt and you own.

My sister and I use to make fun of my grandma for keeping tissues in the sleeve of her sweater.  The other day, I stopped myself from doing the exact same thing!

You also know you suffer from allergies if your nose doesn’t just run…it drips.

I never had allergies as a kid.  Lucky I guess.  It wasn’t until I was an adult that I started to show symptoms. I’m a late bloomer I guess.   It started out as headaches across my nose and under my eyes.   I went to see my regular doctor who put me through a battery of tests.  Apparently headaches are a red flag.  Eventually I was diagnosed with sinus headaches. 

I was referred to an allergy specialist.  To determine what I was allergic to, he pricked my back with what felt like a thousand little needles.  Good news!  They discovered what triggers my allergies.  Bad news!  I am allergic to grass, trees, mold and dust.  There went the “avoid the allergens” strategy.

I decided that I didn’t want to live in a bubble, so we started to talk about treatment.  Do you realize how many allergy medicines are on the market?  Prescription, over-the-counter, antihistamine, decongestant, expectorant, nasal sprays, 12 hour, extended release and on and on…

We started working our way through the meds.  First I tried several antihistamines:  Claritin, Allegra, Zyrtec.  They all made me the dreaded cotton mouth.  That made me drink a ton of liquids, which made have to go to the bathroom even more often than I usually do!  Vicious cycle.

Next I tried something called a Netti Pot.  It looks a little like genie’s magic lamp.  You fill it with a mixture of salt and warm water, and then pour it into your sinuses to rinse out the allergens.  The formula goes up one side of your nose, and comes pouring out the other.  It’s all very sophisticated.

My problem was that a lot of that mixture apparently stayed inside my sinuses.  Imagine my surprise a few hours later when I was at work, and I reached down to pick up something.  A blast of water came literally flowing out of my nose!  Not my proudest moment.

Maybe I should have just rubbed genie’s bottle and wished for my allergies to disappear. 

I have since found a saline spray that is much easier to use.

Eventually, we also found a prescription nasal spray that seems to help.  But as anyone with allergies knows, there’s really nothing that helps completely.  It’s just something we learn to live with.

One thing I miss the most is opening the windows in the house and rolling down the windows in the car!  When I drive by my neighbor’s house with all the windows wide open on a sunny spring day, I can’t help but feel a little window envy.  Seeing someone in a convertible nearly puts me over the edge!

We keep the windows closed and the tissues stocked at our house.  You know it’s a problem when you buy the bulk three pack of jumbo sized tissue boxes at Target…but you wish they sold something larger.

So to all my allergy brethren this spring.  Here’s to watery eyes, itchy throats, stuffy heads, runny noses, coughing, hacking, sniffing and snorting!  I feel your pain.